Friday, April 28, 2006

Being Pro-active> Life Choices

For the past few days people have been asking me what's with the mysterious patch on my neck. Ok, here comes the hard truth. It's a nicotine patch. Those of you who know me may be thinking, "but wait a second here, Larry doesn't smoke cigarettes. He even referred to smokers as society's trash. He hasn't smoked a cigarette in his life. How do I know this for sure? I guess I just do. Call it intuition or my gut, but I've never been more positive of anything in my life. But how does Larry know that I thinking all of this? Damn, he's in my head. I am so freaked out now."

Well, you thought right, I sill have yet to smoke a cigarette. However, the other day, for the first time in my life I saw a friend smoking and I thought, "wow, that looks pretty cool." It was then that I realized I had a problem and I could either ignore it or face it like a man.

You must now be thinking, "that is one shoddy looking nicotine patch." Well, I won't take offence. I made it myself by mixing the contents of two Malboros with hand cream and applying the compound to my neck. I then covered it with a piece of gauze and secured it with some clear packaging tape.

This nicotine patch is a preemptive measure that I hope will save me from a life of yellow teeth, smelly clothing, lung cancer and stupid offspring. I haven't had a craving since and honestly I have never felt better. This patch gives me the buzz that only freedom from addiction can provide. I feel so alive!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Norway> Country Facts: with NationMaster and the Rough Trio

For the 2nd in my 193 part series I will look at Norway. On May 6th I will be visiting this country for the first time. Norway is:

#1 on the Human Development Index. I believe that means they develop humans better than any other country. (Also cats) The USA is #10

#1 in drug offences per capita. The USA is #4

#1 on Electricity consumption per capita, followed closely by Iceland. I am guessing that has to do with heating.

#1 on trust. 65% of Norwegians reported in a 1990’s surveys that people can be trusted. The US, 44%.

#1 on will fight for their country. 90% of Norwegians would fight for their country. Ok, so I guess I will cancel my planned coup d'état. The US comes in #5 at 78%. I am guessing that percentage has gone down in the past few years.

#1 in winter Olympics medals all time. 263 medals collected. To put that in perspective the US is #2 with 193 medals.

#2 in GDP per capita. They would be #1 if it weren’t for Luxembourg. The US is #7. Norway also closely follows Luxembourg in Economic aid donations per capita.

#1 on Norwegians per capita. I figured that would be the case.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

V is for Vendetta> At the movies with Larry B

What a wonderfully subversive film. Like Fahrenheit 911, I worry that it won't change any hearts and minds. At this point you either hate what Bush and the Republicans have done to our country and the world or you are a complete horse's ass that doesn't understand reason, ethics and the consequences born and yet to born of the past 6 years of misrule. We need to throw these bums out before we end up making V's world a reality.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

283 Children Killed In Minor League Baseball Team's 'Kill Your Children' Promotion> Link

Also check out the editorial, "Baby, you mean the World of Warcraft to me" in the same issue.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My visit to Prague> Guest Blogger, Doug Moldover

Larry B was kind enough to invite me to Prague and show me around town. Well here are some of the sites I encountered along the way. The first picture here is of the Schwarzenberg Palace. Luckily it was under reconstruction and closed to visitors. I wasn't able to get a good shot of the scaffolding unfortunately, but take it from me, you need to be very careful when working with Sgraffito. Delicate shit. I once spilled some Fanta on Sgraffito.

The next photo is of St. Vitius Cathedral, a huge cathedral within the confines of Prague Castle. They were doing some restoration work on the building. I like the use of blue netting. Safety first!


The next building is the Belvedere, a 16th century Summer Palace. Was Mr. Belvedere named after it, I have no fucking clue, but possibly. No, make that probably. Straight forward scaffolding as you can see. Nothing fancy.


Lastly are two pictures of the equestrian statue of Jan Zizka. This is actually the biggest equestrian themed statue in the world. Looks like it has the largest scaffolding saddle in the world too! Prague is truly a wonderful city.

-Doug

Sunday, April 16, 2006

A Day at the Zoo> Travels



Before I leave Prague I would like to see some of the sites a bit outside of the center. After a lazy morning I traveled by metro and bus to Troja Palace, a summer palace built at the end of the 17th century for a wealthy family. It had a great sculptured staircase. It happens that the palace is across the street from the Prague Zoo so I figured I’d check that out.
Well, lucky me, for it was a special day at the zoo, dare I say historic. I will explain why momentarily, but first of all, I really enjoyed this zoo. The enclosures are generally OK and they have a lot of rare animals that I can’t remember seeing before at other zoos. Either that or I didn’t recognize the Czech names.
Anyway, I happened to be witness to a zoological experiment. The Prague Zoo was opening it’s one of a kind, previously never attempted, Polar Bear, Alligator, Lion, Tiger, Gorilla, Great White Shark, Dung Beatle enclosure. I know, wow! The purpose of this exhibit was to show that if animals could get along so could we, with our different creeds, colors and nationalities. (Rumor was they were going to add an Arab and a Jew in there too.) With great fanfare they let all of the animals into the enclosure at once. The following ten minutes were the most thrilling/mentally scaring moments of my life. Who won in inevitable melee? Well, technically the dung beetle, but I think us, the audience were the big winners.

Update!: I just checked the interweb and “Zoo Manager Monthly,” the World’s most read magazine on zoo management has given the Prague Zoo their yearly, “worst idea” award.

Scroll to the bottom of the page> Travels

Because you will find my travel maps of the world and Europe.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Who do I look like> My pretty pretty face

I figured this warranted it's own post rather than a response to the Pink Wizard's great link to the my heritage site. So going in I figured Vin Diesel would be my best match. Oh how I was wrong. Listed here are the top matches to the pictures I entered.

Picture #1
Tony Bennet
Matthew Fox (The Dr. from Lost)
Jude Law
Jimmy Carter

Picture #2
Gael Garcia Bernal (Amores perros,Motorcycle Diaries)
Patrick Swayze

Picture #3
P Diddy
David Blaine

Picture #4
Rene Russo

Picture #5
Woodrow Wilson (Complete disclosure: I actually entered in a photo of Woodrow Wilson to see if this database was only pretty people. Nope, it nailed Woodrow good.)

Picture #6
Jake Gyllenhaal

Picture #7
Gael Garcia Bernal
Vin Diesel!

Picture #8
Zach Braff (He was friends with my brother and went to the same high school as me)

Picture #9
Jake Gyllenhall

Picture # 10
Jake Gyllenhall

Super Cool Website > From the Pink Wizard Files

The MyHeritage website is amazing. You upload a pic of yourself and using scientific analysis, it tells you which celebrity you resemble. I uploaded a whole bunch of pics of myself, and surprise -- it said I resemble Jerry Seinfeld.

My wife matched the German composer Anton Webern, who strangely, she does resemble now that I think about it.

Who do YOU look like?

Me and You and Everyone We Know> At the Movies with Larry B

Tonight I had the pleasure of seeing "Me and You and Everyone We Know." I had never heard of it, but saw it had a very good Rotten Tomato rating of 82%. Well I really liked it. Very original, loopy, wicked humor that will make you laugh out loud. Go out of your way to see this one. Afterwards I went back to my friend Canadian Steve's place with Fancy Pants and Dave and we drank some good Scotch. I think I am acquiring a taste for whisky which feels sophisticated. On a related note I am also acquiring a taste for Earth, Wind and Fire, which we were listening to while drinking. (Which would have been sophisticated in the 70's.)

Friday, April 14, 2006

Vote for Steveo> Link

This is almost really funny.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Jesse Dee Wise> Link

At least my name isn't Michael Bolton.

Czech Republic> Country Facts: with NationMaster and the Rough Trio

Here are some somewhat interesting stats about the Czech Republic. I have been living here since Jan 1 so I figured it should be the first country I feature in my 193 part series, Country Facts: with NationMaster and the Rough Trio. Please keep in mind most of these statistics don’t include all countries in the world and are subjective and flawed like any other statistics. There is also a good chance I am making half this shit up:

CR has by far the most amount of embezzlements per capita. Not sure exactly how they define that, but Czech people do seem to be generally sneaky and up to no good.
In the CR 98% of 17 year olds are in secondary education, which is the highest proportion in the world. Shockingly the US only has 79% of students in school. Yikes and that makes total sense at the same time. Yikes again, but way to go Czechs!

In CR 93% of students age 9 have a calculator, more than any other country in the world. Maybe this has something to with all the embezzling they do.

The CR also has the highest percentage of students from households with more than 25 books.

The CR has the highest percentage of public expenditure on health as a % of total expenditure on health. 91.4%. Maybe I should take care of my knee while I am here. The US, at 44.9%, is tied for Mexico as the lowest percentage. Yup.

CR has the third highest average number of births for every 1,000 girls aged 15 to 19. There are 46 children born to every 1000 teenage girls. Who’s #1? The USA of course with 64 per 1000. Good times! My friend Gus may be responsible for a couple of those.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

28> Ageing

I turned 28 today. Yeay. Some birthday trivia for you all:

I share my birthday with Andy Garcia, Claire Danes, Ed O' Neill, Tom Clancy, Herbie Hancock and Dave Letterman.

I spent the past 4 birthdays abroad- 2003 in Sydney, Australia, 2004 in Rimini, Italy, 2005 in Dublin, Ireland and 2006 in Prague.

I am finally able to buy porn in Vatican City! (Also, I am well past the age of consent, which I think is 6.)

One Man Luge> Mango Airways

The air's in turmoil, the rain is soaking the land, and at 45,000ft we're above the worst of it.

We've been on the road for a few days now, travelling across the Heartland into foggy dirty skies of the LA basin and finally up to the northwest corridor where America hasn't yet been discovered.

We used to talk about alternative music, we made fun of the Starbucks junkies, and even threw a few cheap shots at the back country hicks that hadn't yet seen the light...

Between the snowy peaks and the Olympia river valley we let down our 42$M airplane at a place that hadn't seen a plane, much less a spaceship. Tom lent us his '73 suburban for the night. When Kristin asked him about gas prices and the middle east, exhaled from his cigarrette and pointed east towards the Cascades. "It was all so easy then," he began. Like a Kris Kristofferson song he continued, "you must be from New York." He hadn't shaved in over a week and his dickies weren't stained from coffee. "Your politics and your priorities come from those recycled newspapers I bet..."

A few hours and several drinks into the bag we put some more coins into the jukebox. The sawdust on the floor kept her DC shoes from overtaking the pint glasses clanking behind the bar. It was dimlit but the christmas lights brought of most of the gray hairs from Tom's beard.

"If gas goes to $10 a gallon, you're probably still need to go places, hell you might even do some walking like you should."

Her parent's DNA had done her favours and she didn't need to walk much like many of the Florida vacationers, but she smiled and responded quickly in a Brooklyn accent.

"Hell, you easterners complain about the weather, snow, ice, heatwaves, hurricanes, but you can't control em...hell, some kid in all black wearing trendy glasses is probably typing on his apple right now about the injustices of life in the middle east and CNN will run a spot tomorrow on how life across thousands of miles needs 15 minutes of your thoughts. How many times have you people ever just sat back and said, shit," he paused as he sipped his domestic beer, "we've got it pretty good here." He was looking at the Budweiser Clidesdales trotting through a wintry heaven on a bar poster.

Perhaps Tom had never taken a steamer to the Old Land, perhaps he didn't even own a TV, but we spoke that night about the elk and deer in the cascades and his weekly trek into the mountain lakes and streams. His life seemed so simple away from hollow politicians and the intracacies of world travels.

"You can't let these assholes rent space in your head, don't let the bastards get you down. Tomorrow you'll be 20 years older wondering why you never did the things you promised yourself back in your youth. You'll realize the world will always change, and some shit, you might not even agree with."

We smoked cigarrettes and drank dollar pints with people that plowed land, fished the streams of america and painted the american dream in a way we only sell in magazines and novels.

It was a late morning when we finally left, and as we drove back we passed a kid tossing papers into the suburbs. Kristin looked over at me and offered me a smoke, Dave in the back didn't smoke but he lit one up too. We rumbled down the road burning gas and cigarrettes as the sun rose without saying much, each with a quiet grin...I'm sure somewhere NPR was reporting the news but there was a empty hole where the stereo had once been....

-jake

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Pool!> Expated

I played pool with my friends Ian and Petr tonight. Good times! No, great times! It's been a while, in fact not since November. I am happy to say my rust wasn't too bad and I played rather well. For the record, I will not rest until I have a home with a fine pool table in it. Then I will know I have made it. Until then, I am a sorry sack of something that begins with an S.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Al Franken v Ann Coulter> Link

This is the opening speech Al Franken made to a room full of Jews in a debate with Ann Coulter. Too bad they don't have a transcript of the actual debate. I really hope Al decides to run for the Senate.

Take-a-Naps> Bright Idea!

If you travel often, I am sure at one point a crying, whining, joyful or loud child has put homicidal thoughts into your head. I am sure the parents of said child are pretty embarrassed. So what if there was a better way to travel with children. I thought I may have an answer.

You know those wet-naps (A piece of folded tissue paper soaked in a cleaning substance contained in a convenient little foil lined packet) they hand out on planes and Chinese restaurants. Well what if they were instead soaked in Chloroform? The stewardesses could give them out to parents as they board the plane and then they could use them knock their children out. Yeah, it's a great idea!

Sadly, Hollywood has fooled us into thinking chloroform is somewhat safe and can in fact knock some one out when poured onto a rag and placed over their mouth. After a disturbing wikipedia search I immediately called the factory in China and told them to halt production of "take-a-naps." I was thinking that worst case forcibly knocking out your child could be perceived as child abuse. Whatever. Nope, chloroform is pretty fricking dangerous. In fact, border line homicidal. So, back to the drawing board. Until then, the sleeper hold will have to do. Wait, I better look that up to.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

NationMaster> Link

This is a great website, lots if interesting world statistics. It will be the driving force behind my new weekly column, "Country facts: with NationMaster and the Rough Trio". I was sorry to lose the Rough Trio. I think we really could have made some great LP's together. But now that they are with NationMaster at least I will be able to benefit from their fine statistical research.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

On Obtaining Visas> Rant!!!

Today I went to a travel agent to get my Chinese and Russian visas. Usually I would take care of this myself, but the Russians require that you get two specific papers from a travel agency. One of these papers is a list of all the hotels you will stay at, which apparently is bullshit because I have no idea where I am staying. I guess it’s an easy way for their travel agencies to make 50 dollars and for the gov to make an extra 10 dollars taxing this "visa handling" fee. This is on top of the 100 dollars I have to pay for the Visa itself. In addition I have to have health insurance to enter the country, so I also had to pick up travel insurance for another 40 dollars.

Then I had to fill out the Visa application form which was wasn’t fun. Bad times. Bedsides the standard stuff you need to list two of your former employees, their addresses, phone numbers, supervisors, positions, dates of employment and reasons for termination. I also needed to list the schools I had intended. What really pissed me off was the part where I had to draw a fish, a clown and a factory worker. The fish was easy, but I have never been good at drawing people and I'm worried my app. will be rejected because at best they were glorified stick figures. The sudoku they threw in there could have been fun, but the agency was about to close and my travel agent was looking over my shoulder the whole time. I am no good with numbers when I am under pressure as my high school math grades can attest to.

The Chinese Visa was easy in comparison, the only tricky bit being you need to show proof of having an entry ticket to the country. I thought they would be more concerned about having an exit ticket, but whatever. The travel agency made me a reservation on a ferry from Japan to China, printed it out and then canceled it. Yeah, I'll be arrested at some point, but all of that will be good material for my next novel, China Doll, why must you betray me? : A Colonel America Adventure.

As I was grumbling about the pain in the ass that these visas were my agent reminded me that Czech citizens visiting to the states must submit to a rigorous SERIES of cavity exams. And I am not talking about their teeth. Yet another reason for the world to hate America, which happens to be the working title for one of my other upcoming novels.

Britney's Guide to Semiconductor Physics> Link

Who knew?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Harry Skywalker> Link

And I'm sure there is a bible story/Shakespeare play that this would fit too.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Chronicles Volume One> At The Bookstore with Larry B

I recently started reading Bob Dylan's autobiography, "Chronicles- Volume One." Dylan has been my favorite musician for a while now and I've read a several books about him including, "No Direction Home" and "Positively Fourth Street." I even tried to read Tarantula, a rambling poetic mess Dylan wrote in 1966. Chronicles so far has been the best of them. His writing is a pleasure to read, like you'd expect. So far it has been about his early days in NYC before he was signed by Columbia in late 1961.

Here's a bit he wrote about why he started to write songs,

"You don't just wake up one day and decide that you need to write songs, especially if you're a singer who has plenty of them and you're learning more every day... Sometimes you just want to do things your way, want to see for yourself what lies behind the misty curtain. It's not like you see songs approaching and invite them in. It's not that easy... You have to know and understand something and then go past the vernacular..."


Jack Black TV Pilot> Link

The full thirty minute pilot for "Heat Vision and Jack," the legendary rejected Fox pilot produced by Ben Stiller and starring Jack Black and Owen Wilson (as a talking motorcycle).

Monday, April 03, 2006

Potatoes!> Cooking

I cooked potatoes for the first time ever last night. You see, I bought some steak and figured I should have some potatoes with it. I looked up a recipe for microwaving potatoes and soon after I was enjoying the fruits of my new knowledge. This was much more exciting at the time and perhaps you had to be there. Either way, I hope you share in my joy at learning how to cook one of the big 5 starches. (Bread, Pasta, Corn, Potato, Rice) I already can cook pasta so Bam! Look out Emeril.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Meet the World> Link

Interesting, but I am not sure how statisticly correct it is.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Band Name Generator> Link

Some options:
Comrade Larry Beethoven and the Rough Trio
Marzipan Larry Beethoven Band
The Larry Beethoven Experience
Barely Larry Beethoven and the Balance
Simple Larry Beethoven and the Fresh Eleven
Larry Beethoven Esquire and the Colossal Monday
Forty Larry Beethoven and the Naughty Warning
Unlike Larry Beethoven
Larry Van Halen


create your own visited country map
LarryB's Europe travel map. Click this link to create your personalized map of europe