55-59%> Link

That's the percentage of Americans that would approve of raising the federal tax on gasoline according to a poll conducted by the NY Times. That is if the money raised were earmarked to specific programs such as reducing our dependence on foreign oil and reducing consumption/global warming. It also highlights the fact that neither the Republicans or Democrats have so far supported a gasoline tax even though most mainstream economists agree it is a good idea. This is one of the big ideas folks. I wonder if the Dems understand how important this is.

Your Tax Dollars At War> Link

Daily Show clip explaining where and how much of your tax dollars are going to the war in Iraq.

Code Purple Alert> Expated

The Czech Housing Bureau has wisely issued a status alert system to keep house guests abreast of rapidly changing conditions of the safety of walking barefoot on the floor of my apartment. From safest to most dangerous, it is as follows:

Lime Jell-O
Ordinary floor tials
Racquetball in Paraguay
Entering a burning building
Reduced fair tour to Iran for Danes
Newark

We are currently at Racquetball in Paraguay status after a vigorous sweeping from Reduced fair to Iran for Danes status.

Yeah, I am out of things to write about. Any Requests?

Quarantine> Expated

My generation takes pride in our laziness. I certainly do. Well three days ago I broke my favorite mug. My headphones from my computer got tangled up on my leg and caused a chain reaction that had this huge mug filled with water fall off of my desk and shatter on the floor. Luckily the water didn't mess up anything important. However, tiny shards of glass were spread throughout my relatively tiny apartment. I tried to collect them up by hand but there were too many. On the bright side, my floor twinkles in the sunlight. I like to think of those shards of glass as tiny dangerously sharp diamonds. Of course the whole apartment is now off limits for bare feet. I take off my shoes only when I climb into bed or the shower. I think a good sweeping would take care of it all, but I have no dustpan. Quite a dilemma.

Conan on Finnish TV> Link

It's too bad nobody told Conan what the Finnish word is for a large plastic bag.

Take your Daily Constitutional >by the Pink Wizard, Esq.

I just read an article about the constitution. You know, the paper written on hemp about how black people get two-thirds of a vote? Anyway, the article discusses whether the constitution is living or dead. Is it like the Torah, which has been interpreted to mean that Jews can give their pets Bark-Mitzvahs? Or is it instead like the Koran, which is interpreted to mean that Muslims can use blueberry muffins for the purposes of [this phrase censored by Larry Beethoven]?

Being a law scholar with an emeritus degree from Yale (the school Big City Lawyer failed to get into, thus bringing shame to his family), I am of the opinion that the constitution is a dead document. Dead as a doornail. But who cares about my opinion? Deep down inside, I am just a pink wizard, nothing more, nothing less.

My main point is this: what if the constitution was originally written as a blog? How would that have changed the development of our great country? Would John Hancock have used a 24 point font? Would Thomas Jefferson have provided links to interracial porn sites? Would Gerge Washington have used a wooden mouse?

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades> Link

I was seriously considering purchasing the new Gillette 5-blade razor. That was until I was reminded of this 2 year old article from The Onion.

"Sheiks? Why Did it Have to be Sheiks?" > Pink Wizard on the scene

I finally saw the infamous Mohammad cartoons that caused the ever-peaceful Muslim populace to reluctantly and uncharacteristically turn to violence. Here's the cartoon:
(cartoon deleted for fear of ever-peaceful Muslims-Larry)

The cartoon rips off the climactic scene of Indiana Jones and the Mosque of Doom. Who could forget the part where Dr. Jones enters the lair of the prophet Mohammad in an attempt to steal one of his wives? And the ensuing fight between Indy and the prophet, ending with an ill-fated luge on a conveyor belt.....

T-Shirt Hell> Link

My favorite: They Shake Me!

Two Man Luge!> Olympics

While I write this blog entry I am watching Two Man Luge, live from the olympics. The commentating is unfortunately in Czech, so I can't hear the strategy, but the split times add some excitement. I wonder if they are talking about how none of the athletes in the competition are gay. I guess the big question is how far will competitive luge fall behind shaving technology. If you follow the sport you'll know that two man came out with introduction of Gilette's Sensor. The world waiting in breathless anticipation when Gillette introduced the Mach 3 with 3 blade technology. Well Gillette just started advertising the Fusion, which has 5 blades!!!!! If only exciting tales of Mohammed participating in luge races were part of the Koran. Then we'd have some action on this. At least a couple of fatwi. They say 5 man luge just isn't safe. You tell that to the engineers at Gillette.

The Euphemism Generator> Link

He spent every lunch hour at home,

wearing the flesh elves.

Political Animations> Link

The Western media definitly doesn't concentrate enough on Africa's forgotten wars.

Operation Badger Hound>Polizeioffizier Beethoven

This past weekend I went to Berlin to hang out with some friends at an indoor Super Frisbar Tournament. That was a lot of fun, but while in town I was able to volunteer some of my time to Berlin's police force. Yeah, they have an exchange program! Through the interweb I was able to swap my shift with a guy named Reiner who was coming to Prague for research on his book about microwave ovens. Luckily he was posted to an undercover sting operation in front of the Brandenburg Gate. Tourism and a hard hours work! Efficient times!

I was told to show up in lederhosen, (casual, not dress or S&M) and look for a man dressed as a badger. Sure enough there was a man in a badger suit. I walked up to him and said the code word, "Gesundheit." He said, "Danke", like Reiner told me he would and I responded with, "you are welcome." This startled him, because I was actually supposed to say, "dachshund." He looked me over once again and said, "So you are filling in for Reiner today? Here in Germany we don't take our code words lightly. Now go stand at the other end of the gate. Whenever you see a man with an ugly mustache you will need to do the Schulplattler dance." I said "Schulplattler?" The manbadger responded angrily, "Damnit, didn't Reiner tell you to learn the schulplattler? Ok, basically you will need to jump around and slap your shoes. The dance is usually done in 4/4 times so try to keep the beat by humming to yourself."

Well there are a lot of men with ugly mustaches in Berlin because after an hour all of that dancing was making me tired. I returned to my partner and asked him whether he could write me a note so I could score some free tickets to see Die Walküre. He told me they didn't have any left, but he recommended I see another Wagner opera instead, Tannhäuser, but I kind of had my heart set Die Walküre.

Wal-Mart Parking Lot Puts Municipal Parking Lot Out Of Business> Link

Fine Onion journalism

The Urinator> Officer Beethoven

Last night I wore my new uniform for the first time. It definitely made me feel like a bad ass. I thought my addition of a zorro style mask made me look even more intimidating, but Vaclav told me it wasn't regulation face wear so instead I just wore an eye patch. It was pretty warm out, one of the first nights in a while with above freezing temperatures. We were on patrol in Prague 7, or as the locals call it "God's punching bag." Our only bit of action that night was chasing a public urinator. In Prague it is perfectly legal to urinate on a building, but you can't pee on parked cars. Yeah, I know, it's a bit Draconian but I suppose you need to draw the line somewhere. Vaclav spotted him first as my eye patch wasn't exactly helping my peripheral vision and he yelled in Czech something like, "Hey you, stop pissing on that car." The perp took off running and with an admirable amount of bladder control and coordination continued peeing along the way. You can never be to careful zipping up so I guess that wasn't a bad idea. Even with my strained hamstring I am a bit faster than Vaclav so I was able to catch up to him first. I reached out to grab his collar, but again, because of my eyepatch, my depth perception was a bit off, so I missed. The perp then ran into the street and was nailed by a pimped out Mercedes. I was able to put on the breaks just in time. An out of breath Vaclav radioed in the paramedics. As for me, I was pretty tired and I knew I would have to wake up for consulting the next morning so I decided to call it a night. I'll let you know whether the dude lived or died in the next exciting installment of Officer Beethoven:Rogue Volunteer Police Officer.

Guest Map> Link

So this is my guest map. If you haven't done it before, please put yourself on it.

Mother Jones stats> Link

Here are some fun and depressing stats from Mother Jones.

So Fatwa Me> Politics

I don't know if this is a big story in the States, but there have been some serious riots in the Middle East over the weekend, with two Danish and one Norwegian embassy being torched. These riots were sparked by a cartoon in a Danish newspaper depicting their prophet Mohammed with a bomb in his turban. First off, this cartoon was printed in September. Delayed rage of this nature looks awful silly. Second, everyday in newpapers across the Muslim world, cartoons are published that demonize Jews. You don't see us calling for a "jewhad" or burning embassies. That's not how we roll. Third, do they understand the point of the cartoon? Are they trying to be ironic by resorting violence and destruction? Fourth, do they know how charitable, cute and harmless the Scandinavians are?

This is another clear indicator that we are heading for, if we are not already in, a clash of civilizations between the West and Muslims. This is coming from a Dovish Democrat too. They simply don't have the same values we have for tolerance of other view points. We can keep making excuses for them. But...Lets face it, they are in need of an enlightenment or they are going to keep spiraling downward in a hate filled collapse and may take the modern world with them.

They can blame America, Israel and I guess now Denmark for their misfortune all they want, but that won't cure their ills. Where are the riots when an Iraqi Shiite wedding is blown apart by a suicide bomber? Where are the riots when journalists are beheaded? I used to feel that the problem was just with extremists within their religion and countries, but I think it is foolish to only blame extremists when the solution, and the only solution, is the Muslim society as a whole turning their backs on these Jihadis. Until ordinary Muslims condemn violence, the extremists will always feel they represent the interests of the mainstream. I know, we must use soft power to change their hearts and minds, but I feel they must take responsibility for the menace that the Muslim world has become. Get it together!

Side note: Do you think Danish travelers have started to wear big Swedish flags on their backpacks? Have they started to use the Swedish equivalent of "eh" (An extra u when saying Hygge) when speaking to locals? Or will they pretend to be Germans instead?

Superbowl Tuesday!> Expated

I am now returning from a self imposed media black out. It was midnight on Sunday and I had just gotten off a shift patrolling the Andel mall, telling punk kids not to loiter. I was torn between getting some sleep or going to a sports bar and watching the Super Bowl. Of course it isn't that simple. All of the tables in the bar had been booked and apparently they were also charging an admission fee to get in. I had watched most of the playoffs, but I just couldn't convince myself it would be worthwhile getting to sleep at 5 AM just to watch the game. Such is watching sports in the wrong time zone.
So instead I waited for a torrent of the game to be posted online, avoiding all media content not to spoil the surprise of who won. Somebody finally posted it at 3:30 PM my time, 9:30 EST and I began the 12 hour download of the taped broadcast. This morning I woke up early and watched Pittsburgh have the better luck and win a game where both teams were equally shaky. In the end, I truly believe it won't be the weather, work, politics, language barriers, cultural differences or women that cause me to move back to the states. It will be American sports. Or, I guess could learn to enjoy soccer. (Shudder)

SNL Narnia rap> Link

SNL is dead to me, but I do like white people rapping.

Tram Duty> Officer Beethoven

So tonight I was able to put in some more time volunteering for the police. I met Vaclav in Prague 7 and he greeted me with a hand shake. I'll be honest, I was somewhat concerned that he would give me another hug. That would have made me feel uncomfortable. Anyway, Vaclav was able to score me a uniform, a reward that most volunteers don't get until they have put in at least 8 hours on the force. Today we were on tram duty. The city has ticket enforcers that come onto trams and make sure everyone has a ticket. Sometimes people will try to run off of the trams to get away and that's where we come in. We provide back-up for the enforcers, tackling and lightly beating runners. It was kind of like football, good times. I still don't have a club yet so Vaclav had to do all the beating, but I did help hold a perp down. Anyway, only our first tram had runners so after that there wasn't much action and a s a result I started getting cold. After 45 minutes I told Vaclav I would have to call it a night. I also grabbed some tickets to see Don Giovanni at the National theatre.

On the State of US Politics> Fancy Pants, Guest Columnist

Larry,

I completely agree with your State of Union response. Pandering to the swing voters is like trying to sell more Coke by saying that it really tastes a lot like Pepsi. Bold concrete objectives like your 5 big ideas (well at least the first 4) seem like a completely obvious thing for the Democrats to do. And that is why I have become so very skeptical of the Democrats. Maybe they don’t clearly state such progressive ideas because they have no real intentions of delivering on such initiatives. Their hands are tied up in the pork barrel just as much as the Republicans. The very same lobbyists that guide the conservative agenda will simply saddle up next to the liberals as soon as they sense a shift in political power. It is naive to think that corporate interests won’t do what ever they can, on either side of the political divide, to influence federal legislation. The real question the media should be asking of people like senators Obama and Clinton is, “Which lobbyists pay for your dinners?” Much better than any stump speech, the answer to that question will give the public an idea of what kinds of policies any potential candidate might actually enact.

I also agree that the Democrats definitely need some sort of positive agenda on foreign policy. But again I think they have no real intention of altering any of the long term goals of the defense department. It might seem as if the Democrats have their hands tied on an Iraq policy as a result of Bush having sunk us into an impossible situation by starting The War Against Terror (TWAT). Under present circumstances we can’t get out of Iraq without a civil war directly following our withdrawal. But that doesn’t matter because the US military is never going to leave Iraq. No American military or political representative has indicated that Iraqis can look forward to a day when there will be no American military presence in Iraq. This is the reason for the continuing growth of the insurgency. A reasonable exit strategy that the Democrats could propose is as soon as any authority asserts control over the new Iraqi government and can use an Iraqi security force to defend the oil pipelines and refineries, electricity, water, and health services from rival authorities all American troops will be removed from Iraq despite the level of insurgent activities. There doesn’t need to be a withdrawal date but we could propose some Iraqi troop numbers that must exist under a central command before US forces are withdrawn. If our military command focused on the defense of the aforementioned resources rather than mounting offensives against insurgence, perhaps we could get those services back to pre-invasion levels before reaching the Iraqi army size quota. If we made a public agreement with the Iraqi government stating we will remove ALL troops at such a time a quota is met the insurgency might loose focus. Armed gangs of angry youths would doubtlessly continue to roam the streets of Iraqi cities but Americans seem willing to deal with that in their own cities so lets just forget about beating the insurgency. Fuck, we could just say that we won for the sake of all the patriots back home and rename the remaining violence street crime and that the Iraqis will deal with that once they organize a police force. The fact is that no Democrat is going to stand up to the Pentagon and say, “I know you guys were really planning on having a long term middle east presence based in Iraq but we are going to take ALL our troops out of Iraq over the next four years.” And so the Democrats only tactic is to complain about the way in which TWAT is handled by Republicans without offering any meaningful change in strategy.

Fancypants

The Democratic Response> Politics

First off, who the fuck is Tim Kaine? Do they decide who gives speeches by some form of lottery? I am really glad he spoke about Virginia. I had no idea how little I could care about this state. It is the State of the Union jackass! Not the state of your state, although that does sound like a good name for a TV program that I should produce. Much like the fact that the Super Bowl should only be held in New Orleans, San Diego and Miami, only Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and that guy who played David Palmer on 24 should speak for the Democratic party.

Second, did you hear any big, inspiring ideas during his entire 10 minute speech. Anything to convince swing voters that the Democrats have any ideas other than the Republicans suck? It's called leadership! Not despairship, complainship or patheticship. You are on notice Democrats! I will throw my vote away on an independent if you don't get your act together and stand for something.

I wrote those 5 big ideas with this situation in mind, telling America that we stand for something. What if Barack had given the rebuttal and said that the Democrats stand for:
1. Universal health care
2. Raising the Gasoline tax and taking other concrete steps to cut ourselves off of oil
3. Nationwide impartial redistricting
4. Really taking the money out of politics

Then throw in a little, "We understand that there are things that Americans disagree on, but we musn't distract ourselves with issues like abortion, stem cell research and gay marriage when their are so many important challenges facing our great country." There you've got my vote. Tim Kaine's catch phrase that he kept repeating throughout the speech was "there's a better way." Well could you tell us what that better way would be?

How Much is Inside?> Link

I wonder how many times this guy has used the pick-up line, "Hey, uh, how would you like to come back to my place and measure stuff?" It seems to work, check out those women!

Bush's State of the Union> Politics

In Bush's 2006 State of the Union address he touched upon two points that I thought would have received much more of his focus: Energy independence and health care. This is a major concern for most Americans, so obviously he had to say something on the subject.

His proposals on energy independence center on increasing spending on alternative energy research. He mentioned ethanol, hydrogen, clean coal, wind and nuclear energy of ways for us to get away from petroleum. All good ideas. The problem is we have heard these promises before from Bush. All of these proposals seem to be Bush just paying lip service to a great problem, but not doing anything concrete about it.

He didn't ask Americans to make sacrifices in a time of war by paying a higher gasoline tax at the pump. He didn't offer any incentives for Americans to get a hybrid instead of a gas guzzling SUV. He didn't admit that the fossil fuels we burn are causing a catastrophic amount of damage to our environment. I just don't expect anything to change here until he is out of office.

On Health care Bush spoke about the need for all Americans to have adequate health care. Uh, yeah, that would be nice. His solution: Wider use of electronic records, health savings accounts, portable coverage between jobs and of course tort reform.

Yup, that's it. Thank God he has a plan. I am going to stop worrying about not have health insurance now. Seriously, the only good aspect of Bush's plan is that our health care system will collapse sooner and then we can go on with the necessary and obvious step of instituting Universal Health care. My next entry will look at the Democrat's rebuttal.

Bollywood> Link

That tiger really blew my blog's budget.