Automatic Complaint Letter Generator> Link
This will be very useful when you feel the need to rant, but just can't figure out what to rant about.
posted by Larry Beethoven @ 12:37 PM
2 comments
One Man Luge
Somewhat daily musings (Dec 2005-Dec 2006)of a traveler, mayor, rogue and business consultant going by the nom de guerre of Larry Beethoven.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
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2 Comments:
I love it! Check this one out:
"Be forewarned: In this letter, I will be as harsh as truth and as uncompromising as justice. Before I begin, let me point out that Chairman Larry Beethoven insists that he can absorb mana by devouring his nemeses' brains. In the long run, however, he's only fooling himself. Chairman Beethoven would be better off if he just admitted to himself that I wonder if he really believes the things he says. He knows they're not true, doesn't he? The answer is quite simple. I already listed several possibilities, but because Chairman Beethoven lacks the ability to remember beyond the last two seconds of his life, I will restate what I said before, for his sake: If he can overawe and befuddle a sufficient number of prominent individuals, then it will become virtually impossible for anyone to criticize the obvious incongruities presented by him and his flunkies. Chairman Beethoven is doing everything in his power to make me swallow whatever Chairman Beethoven dishes out. The only reason I haven't yet is that I believe in the four P's: patience, prayer, positive thinking, and perseverance.
If Chairman Beethoven were paying attention -- which it would seem he is not, as I've already gone over this -- he'd see that if you've never seen him devalue me as a person, you're either incredibly unobservant or are concealing the truth from yourself. I cannot conceive of any circumstance under which his philosophies could be considered appropriate. But let's not lose sight of the larger, more important issue here: his misinformed crotchets. Chairman Beethoven's sense of humor runs the gamut from rude and crude to mischievous and dictatorial, yet I speak from experience. This sort of vertiginous paradox is well known to most snivelling smart alecks. Purists may object to my failure to present specific examples of Chairman Beethoven's uninformed whinges. Fortunately, I do have an explanation for this omission. The explanation demands an understanding of how if we don't report as best as possible the facts and circumstances surrounding Chairman Beethoven's lackluster obiter dicta, our children will curse us in our graves. Speaking of our children, we need to teach them diligently that Chairman Beethoven's permissive attitude toward crude language and gestures, sexual promiscuity, and drugs makes me think that he, perhaps more than anyone, should take seriously the challenge to reveal the nature and activity of his vassals and expose their inner contexts as well as their ultimate final aims. I always catch hell whenever I say something like that, so let me assure you that it is easy to see faults in others. But it takes perseverance to place blame where it belongs -- in the hands of Chairman Beethoven and his predatory habitués.
To put this in context, when Chairman Beethoven tells us that anyone who disagrees with him is ultimately raucous, he somehow fails to mention that his hate-filled sophistries may have serious repercussions, even beyond the issue of alarmism. He fails to mention that for his own sake, he should not lobotomize everyone caught thinking an independent thought. And he fails to mention that documents written by his bedfellows typically include the line, "War is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength", in large, 30-point type, as if the size of the font gives weight to the words. In reality, all that that fancy formatting really does is underscore the fact that Chairman Beethoven knows that performing an occasional act of charity will make some people forgive -- or at least overlook -- all of his directionless excesses. My take on the matter is that I wouldn't judge his hatchet men too harshly. They're undeniably just cannon fodder for Chairman Beethoven's plot to cause riots in the streets. I just want to work together towards a shared vision. That's why I propose, argue, cajole, plead, wheedle, and joke about ways to illustrate the virtues that Chairman Beethoven lacks -- courage, truthfulness, courtesy, honesty, diligence, chivalry, loyalty, and industry. My eventual goal for this letter is to resolve our disputes without violence. I'm counting on you for your support."
All true, but... all too often, some people attempt to make an argument by attacking and insulting those who hold opposing views. Claire's anecdotes are a perfect example. The first thing I want to bring up is that Claire's tricks reek of corporatism. I use the word "reek" because when I was a child, my clergyman told me, "Claire can't relate to anyone other than what I call petty, abhorrent segregationists." If you think about it you'll see his point. I may not believe that her perorations are our final line of defense against tyrrany, but I clearly do maintain that she believes that she has answers to everything. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one. This has been a long letter, but I feel that its length is in direct proportion to its importance. Why? Because writing instructors seeking to introduce the concept of "demagogism" into their curricula could hardly do better than to use Claire's publications as an example.
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